A guy reads Twilight by Stephenie Meyer (2009-2011)

Reading Twilight: Chapter 9 (Theory)

The song for this chapter is Foolish Games by Jewel



I know, hang me — I am the only person who has read Twilight and who is actually within 200 miles of Forks and not going in that direction. So after discovering that I would be unable to dash across the gap between my airport and Forks, I decided to do the next best thing and explore the City of Forks website while browsing Youtube videos in lament of my predicament. I came to the conclusion: who needs Forks when you can have Spoons?

Anyhow, this chapter is very much a continuation of Chapter 8. Some of the writers out there, myself included, might have picked up on something that most non-writers wouldn’t– this chapter gave me the instant feeling that Stephenie had 8 and 9 together at one point, and then split them up. If so, it was a very clever decision, since in each one I discovered something new, and it was almost impossible to keep from sliding straight from 8 to 9 because it stopped right in the middle of everything.

Bella’s self-defense class is one I have yet to see. I was in martial arts for years when I was younger, up to black belt, and not once did our instructor teach us something useful like how to smash someone’s nose straight into their brain.

The Nose

It would have definitely been more useful than the utterly worthless ‘knife-hand’ which was basically a cheap sideways karate chop which rendered nothing upon an attacker except a blimpful of laughs and giggles. Also nearly as useless was the ‘butterfly kick’, which as you can imagine was a spinning, flailing spectacle no one could make look awesome. It was really more like an intoxicated monkey kick.


After reading this chapter, about three things I became absolutely positive. First, Edward is a vampire. Second, Bella is madly in love with him. And third, Bella better go back into those woods, because I’m dying to know what horrible creatures reside so close to home.

My post is shorter this week since I’m on the road (well, more of in the air…), but rest assured: chapter 10 is on the way!


– Despite rumor, there will be no thehostguy.com . Also, as I go to the next book in the series, it will all stay here, and it will become A Guy’s Attempt To Read The Twilight Saga.

– This has obviously gotten buried, as it is becoming a Very Frequently Asked Question, so I’ll repost the note: if you want to read part of my book The Farfield Curse, all you have to do is email me and I’ll send a few chapters as a preview. It is due out in late 2009.

– Again, I cannot friend people on Facebook I do not personally know, so I’m really sorry I keep deleting your requests. However, some great people have set up groups for me on there and you can join them. They are here and here. Friending me on Myspace is also a much better alternative.



67 Responses

  1. I’ve read all three from cover to cover on many occasions, including those of flights back home. Imagine my horror when a friend borrows Twilight and returned with a wine stain marking “Confessions”, which is my favorite chapter! Anyways, I commend you on your endeavours, best of luck, bon voyage, et cetera. Oh, and Jewel is perfect for this chapter, nice pick.

    Much Love,
    Kimberleigh (Cullen?, PLEASE?)

  2. I was in martial arts for years when I was younger, up to black belt, and not once did our instructor teach us something useful like how to smash someone’s nose straight into their brain.

    You shpuld have had my teacher. We had an exam about every 3 months and he’d spend the 6 weeke before it brushing us up on technique, and the 6 weeks afterwards teaching us useful stuff, like breaking noses, necks and using speed rather than brute force.

  3. Well, what can I say? I had to comment after this.
    First, you are insane. Ahaha. In a good way. I went to that Spoons link and wow… I was speechless for minutes afterwards.
    Second, in what universe could a ‘butterfly kick’ ever be considered the least bit violent? It sounds really… sissy. Ahaha. Still, I have yet to see someone demonstrate it, so I’ll try and keep my judgments and assumptions (no matter how accurate they probably are) to myself.
    So glad you are (or rather, were) working your way through the book! I’m reading it for the third time right now. Only up to chapter 6 though…

  4. Ok, so I actualy live less then 200miles from Forks, and i’ve driven through it one time, way before i ever knew about the books… My sister and I are planing a little road trip… But it keeps getting postponed. I think were aiming for two weeks from this weekend… hmmm

  5. Yea well..i live about 2 hours away from forks..and still HAVENT BEEN…i think i might be worse than you 🙁

  6. I can’t believe you were within 200 miles of Forks and didnt go there. And here i thought you were a true twilighter. SHAME.
    And i dont feel bad about the gnomes anymore. It serves you right.
    I would have WALKED the 200 miles.
    And dont think i didnt pick up on you mocking the back of the book. I did.

  7. Yay! I want to go to Spoons!
    If Vampires and Werewolves live in Forks… What lives in KNifes!!! AAAHHHH!!!

  8. lol, you can read the entire series and never freaking find out what is in those woods! oh and also yeah you can use the bottom of your palm driven up against a nose and send the top of it into the brain. however they no longer teach this in self defense as it can obviously be lethal, instead they teach you to do the same only downward so you only break/disconnect the nose without killing the dude ^.^


  9. I would LOVE to go to Forks. I can only imagine it would feel like walking straight into Bella's world and I would expect to see Cheif Swan or a red Chevy truck around the corner at any secont. It would be totally sereal!

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